UNDERSTANDING YOUR TS CHILD
UNDERSTANDING YOUR TS CHILD
A PARENTS GUIDE TO
UNDERSTANDING & ACCEPTING YOUR TS CHILD
Written by Nick
co-authored by Nick's Mother, Lily LittleWolf
Reposting May 15, 2013 - Talmud entry added May 10, 2004
Some parents find their
child's transition to male (or female) hard to accept let alone
understand. Common questions arise when a parent is faced with the news
that their daughter no longer wishes to live as a female or their son no
longer wishes to live as male.
"How can my child do
this? How can they do this to ME? What did I do wrong? Where did I go
The self evaluation is
inevitable even with those parents who accept their daughter or son's
transition with little trouble. Every parent goes through some form of self
blame or sorrow because of the child's desire to transition. More often than
not, the parent feels they are losing a daughter or son to death. It is like a
death to them in many ways.
The fact is, you are not
losing a daughter or son. And I won't be obtuse and insult you by saying you
are not losing a daughter, you are gaining a son or vise versa. I know and you
know that won't ease the feelings you are having at this time. These feelings
are quite normal and the child transitioning needs to understand this and not
get angry at you for feeling that way.
Your child still lives and
you, the parent, are fortunate enough to have retained a child unlike other
parents whose child is deceased. You still have your child, you just a child
evolving into the person they were meant to be.
One day you will see the
beauty in this.
Because this is like a death
in many ways, I'd like to share with you the 5 stages of grief. Most parents
experience some of these if not all and sometimes the child transitioning has
some conflicting feelings that fall into one or more of these categories.
The 5 Stages of Grief are:
(these are a variation of Dr. Kubler-Ross's 5 Stages I fully acknowledge her
work and give her credit for posting these 5 stages.)
The first stage is
Upon hearing the news, the
parent reacts with a shocked, "No, not my child." According to
Dr.Kubler-Ross, this is a healthy stage, and permits the family to develop
Next comes ANGER OR
"Why me?" is the
question asked now. "Why my child?" Blame, directed against the
child and God often is a part of this stage. This outcry should be accepted,
without judgment even by the person transitioning.
The third stage is
"Yes, but-" "If
you'll just give it five years, you'll grow out of this . . ." This is a
period of temporary truce you will eventually resolve. Rarely is ever does the
child grow out of this because it is not a stage.
The fourth stage is
Now the parent says,
"Yes, me, yes my child" with the courage to accept that it is
happening, it is real. This acknowledgment is often accompanied by depression.
(Note: The family often goes through all the stages, along with the parent.)
Finally comes ACCEPTANCE
A time of facing this
transition calmly, embracing the child in transition with love and
In The Talmud, there is a
story of Son who went astray of his Father. The Father said, "Return to
The Son replied, "I
The Father again said,
"Return to your Father."
The Son again replied,
The Father then said,
"Then come as far as you can and I'll come the rest of the way."
This story can be applied to
this type of ordeal; your Daughter wishing to be seen as your Son (or Son
wishing to be seen as your Daughter) and straying from what you or the
Father sees as right. It teaches you, the parent, that instead of fighting
the wishes and desires of your child, it is wise to come to a meeting of the
minds and accept each other and find a common ground.
Interestingly enough, up
until about the 12th week of pregnancy, all fetuses are female (some argue the
8th week - I do not subscribe to this based on data I have researched). Each fetus
has gonads that have yet to form into either testicles or ovaries. These two
fibrous objects are neither testes or ovaries. The small protrusion from the
genital area can become a penis or a clitoris but it's the same spongy
tissue. Things such as a testosterone bath created by the fetus or a
temperature change can determine what sex/gender that child will be in the
end. But it doesn't mean that the brain is going to be in sync with the body.
A number of things can and do go wrong. There
are many birth defects that directly involve the child's genitalia or how they
mature into the sex/gender they were born as. You might be surprised to know
that all too often these birth defects occur. It has been theorized that 1 in
2000 birth result in some form of intersexed condition or ambiguous genitalia
condition. Some conditions are very hard to determine; the genitals may look
male but the child is really female and vise versa. Some anomalies are so
slight that they are often overlooked by doctors well into adulthood. But in
the case of Transsexuals, just because the defect is not visible, does not
mean it does not exist. Your child's brain is Male (or Female if MTF) and
science has yet to disprove this! In fact, there have been gender studies on
Male to Female brains done in the Netherlands that prove that the Male to
Female Transsexual has the brain of a female, which is detected in a section
of the hypothalamus. For more information on this, please visit: http://www.symposion.com/ijt/ijtc0106.htm
And like with facing the
dilemma of dealing with a child who later wishes to live as the opposite
gender as what they appeared to have been born as; a child born with genital
malformations is no more your fault or less credible than a female child who
later wishes to transition to male or male child who later wishes to
transition to female!
You, as a parent, have a
choice. You can try to learn more about this (and I assume you are if you are
reading this) in order to understand, love and support your child, or you can
turn your back on your child, constantly disagreeing or trying to change them
to your specifications and risk losing them.
What is your choice?
You brought them into the
world knowing they would not be any more perfect than you are, so it is
senseless to try to make them be what you want them to be or make them perform
to your standards. That is demeaning and demanding perfection is demoralizing.
As a parent, you know that is wrong, deep down you know this to be true.
If you think you know what is
best for your child in this situation, I'm sorry but, you don't, not if your
child is of age and consent.
In closing, please keep in
mind that the suicide rate is high. It's tough enough as it is without
constant interference from family. When a parent who refuses to learn or
listen is added to the mix, the odds increase that the child's days on the
earth could be shortened by your actions. Most if not all people who wish to
transition experience deep depression and have for many years. Many can be
pushed over the edge with little effort. However, it's amazing how love will
pull the person away from the edge with the same effort.
If your child does commit
suicide because they feel alienated from family; from you, then you will be
faced with "What did I do wrong?" and have a legitimate reason to
question yourself. You will be officially grieving their death.
2001- 2004 extended to 2013
The Transitional Male, Nick and Lily LittleWolf
Do Not Copy
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